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My mom is spoiling me and I’m having a hard time with it :c I don’t wanna ask for anything and she just wants to get me things and I feel bad

It’s hard trying to explain that we don’t have enough money to buy me clothes. I hate admiring it. And it’s because of the Subaru car payment. But we just couldn’t keep the honda civic and there was no way to get a good quality SUV and not paying what we do. I’m just jealous my sister has more than I’ll ever have. It’s just really bumming me out. I know I shouldn’t be jealous but I can’t help it..

If shark weeks comes soon I’m going to kill myself. Why. Better make sure to pack plenty of panties for the drive home. Fuck.

I just wanna cry. I don’t even know why. I’m just so stressed out about so many things, I can’t even pinpoint what’s really bothering me. This whole situation with moving and knowing I’ll be away from Steven for awhile is just so overwhelming for me. I hate whining about this, because I am choosing to pursue a career I have always wanted, but it’s just becoming so real and it’s hard to not stress. Ugh.

Baby Axel 😢

Now I’m crying. Because it’s all I can think about. Why do I do this to myself. And why can’t I learn to live with this without it eating away at me until I break down. I feel like the mourning will never end. It feels like it wasn’t that long ago, that’s how strong these feelings are. But they won’t subside. It hit me so hard I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be at peace with what happened.

We watched The Birdcage and honestly I was okay til it ended. Cause all I could think about was the fact that he’s really gone. I’ve been watching his movies all my life and even listening to his stand up. It’s still a hard pill to swallow..

If Steven’s mother ever talks about him on Facebook, she tags him. Like even if he isn’t relevant to the conversation. She posted a picture of her son, who looks just like his dad, and has to tag Steven saying they look just alike. Even though this kid is a spitting image of his dad. Like stop lying to get attention.

Steven told me not to blog about what happened but it’s literally my only way of venting. But I know it scared him so much that he doesn’t want it typed anywhere on the internet. Ugh. I’ll probably call my dad tomorrow to talk about it. This is killing me.